The Fosse Way

Less than four years ago, Leicester City were FA Cup winners and perennial top four contenders.

Closing BT Sport’s coverage of the FA Cup final in 2021, Jake Humphrey said: “Huge congratulations to Leicester City, a team with a genuinely strong foundation, a team constantly on the up and a team that look like they’re here to stay.”

Not exactly a high performance prediction, but an understandable one at the time.

Today, Leicester City are plummeting towards a second relegation in three seasons amidst another legal battle with the Premier League.

Whose fault is it?

Over the past few months I have been gathering evidence on all potential suspects in the shameful murder of a once above-average football club.

What follows are the raw notes from that investigative journal.

Can you follow the clues to discover WHO KILLED LEICESTER CITY?

The suspects

Steve Cooper

• Suspicious background

• The most vibeless man in existence

• Spent his limited budget signing players with “experience” instead of “ability”

• Seemed incapable of doing any sort of tactics

• Didn’t play Ricardo or Fatawu when they were fit to ensure there was no enjoyment to be had by anyone

• Fluked a bunch of points to mask how bad he was

• Enzo i miss u

Brendan Rodgers

• Turned Leicester into complete bottle job merchants

• Called us a Mini and Chelsea a Ferrari

• Threw all the players under the bus in preparation for a refresh of the squad then signed no players

• Got relegated with one of the highest wage bills in the Premier League

• Enabled “Congerton” room to operate

• Appears to feel no shame about what happened – possible psychopath?

• Danny Ward

Ruud van Nistelrooy

• Might be a rubbish manager

• Concedes almost 3 goals a game on average

• Carried on using Cooper’s terrible tactic

• Has managed to delete the part that provided goals and fluke wins

• Is really bad at substitutions

• Danny Ward

The players

• Are all absolutely terrible at football

• The last set of players phoned it in for six months as the club plummeted to relegation

• Literally impossible to sell

• Routinely make disastrous mistakes to hand the opposition goals

• Can’t create any goals

• Can’t score any goals

• Danny Ward

The fans

• Occasionally tut and boo the team

• Would like the club to win games

• Are suspiciously easy to placate with free beers and doughnuts

• Possible victims of an attempted mass poisoning via complimentary coconut rolls (no evidence of this, keep investigating – Legal Ed.)

PSR/the Premier League

• Ensure that any attempt to break the top 4 once means you are whacked with sporting sanctions for a decade

• Suck all enjoyment out of the sport by ensuring you have to understand economics to work out the league table

• Incentivise clubs to sell the only players fans actually care about

• Encourage weird incestuous transfer dealings

• Reportedly hate Leicester and are determined to come down hard on us despite being unable to write and understand their own rules

• Have created a closed shop by sinister means, ensuring that it’s impossible nearly impossible for established top half teams to get relegated

Seagrave

• Ensures every single half decent player goes down with a serious injury

• Has made the players go soft

• The club spent all its money on a training ground instead of people to train in it

• Means everyone lives in Nottinghamshire

Martyn Glover

• Was on gardening leave for an entire transfer window so that we couldn’t sign anyone

• When he did arrive at work he signed Tete

• Virtually every signing since he joined has proven to be absolute guff

• Is implicated in the arrival of all of Steve Cooper’s dismal experienced heads – possible accomplice?

Jon Rudkin

• Oversees a footballing vision where the most glowing review described it as “no sporting project”

• Is incapable of working on more than one transfer deal at any given time

• Never gives interviews to say what the plan is (note to self: research further – maybe there is no plan???)

• Appears to have some kind of evil hold over King Power

• Seems depressed even when we win

Susan Whelan

• Always gets lumped in with Rudkin – no smoke without fire?

• Famously won worldwide acclaim by “intervening” to ensure Wesley Fofana got sold to Chelsea

• The CEO of a company that signs endlessly shady deals with (allegedly?) paid actors

• Would seem to be the person ultimately responsible for the business side of a company where the business side has wet the bed

• Offers absolutely zero communication at any level

Top

• Is responsible for hiring literally all of the people at the club

• Appears afraid to make any decisions

• Wants to play like Manchester City and then hired Steve Cooper

• Might be clueless

Me personally

• I gave an offering to a fox shrine on December 15th, we have lost all 7 Premier League games since then

• Might not have thrown enough money into the shrine

• Might have brought the everlasting fury of the Gods down upon us